Desperate Measures
by Karma Sutra
Summary: When topless photos of Kate Middleton are published in a French Magazine, England goes to sort the situation out.


**A/N: So, topless photos of Kate Middleton were released on the cover of a French magazine, much to the fury of the royal family. I found it so stereotypically hilarious that I had to write something on it. **

"... Seriously, France?"

Arthur Kirkland stood in front of Francis Bonnefoy, pale faced and clutching a magazine featuring a risque photo of the Duchess of Cambridge. The picture had been taken while the Prince and Princess had been on vacation- a_ private_ vacation-and was now plastered on the cover of a French publication. The palace was absolutely furious and David Cameron was bothered enough by the idea of a lawsuit to send England himself to speak on behalf of the young couple.

"Oh, hon, hon, hon~ I see you have found the genius that is French media. I am surprised they managed to capture such a gem."

Britain gawked and his grip tightened on the offending throwaway.

"G-gem?! How the hell is this a gem, you bloody wanker?! This... this... _pornography_ is not only offensive but an invasion of privacy!" His cheeks turned a brilliant shade of red in embarrassment and anger, much to Francis's amusement.

"Oh, mon Angleterre, you are so modest to be bothered by such a mild photo. Even in America they have topless women featured in the most lovely fashion..."

"Do _not _bring Alfred into this," Arthur hissed, deeply perturbed by the turn his formerly Puritan colony had taken upon modern independence. In many senses of the word America was prudish, especially compared the European nations, but there was still an immodesty to his society that made England cross his legs.

"The Duke and Queen are fuming! Do you not realize what your people have done?"

The cerulean eyed country shrugged casually, tucking a blond lock behind his ear after it escaped his loose ponytail. "They're just breasts. Very shapely breasts, if I do say so myself."

"France!"

"What? I am just displaying the beauty of your future queen for all of the world to see!"

England sighed and dropped his face to his hand.

"Would you take this seriously? The dignity of the royal family is at stake!"

"You are just angry over Harry getting caught stripping, aren't you?"

"Bloody wanker!"

This conversation was going absolutely nowhere. At this rate the family would be permanently shamed and the Americans would lose the embellished fanciful view of England's monarchy, which had kept tourism adequate for years. The English citizens would be flustered and the French migrating for work would have a laugh at the expense of Britain's integrity. Not even to mention the mockery that would surely arise at the next world meeting...

Arthur shuddered. He would have to force the Frenchman to comply or face absolute disaster...

"How about we discuss removing the publication over a few drinks?" He invited confidently. He would outdrink the wine bastard and then attack the Frenchie while he was weak! Certainly not the gentlemanly thing to do, but sometimes one must be devious for the sake of his pride.

However, several hours and drinks later, the island nation found himself completely smashed and rambling about the American Revolution, poking a finger at France's chest for aiding the colony every once in awhile.

"So, Angleterre, about the magazine... it can be released in England, oui?" France pushed while handing the country another bottle of whiskey. For all of the French consumers, Francis could not get the copies successfully into the United Kingdom itself. He smiled as he took a sip from his glass of champagne and considered the sales. Perhaps he'd feel guilty for besmirching the name of his ally later, but for now France needed money and monarchies were so last century anyhow.

"Wha'ever, bloody wanker. Jus' don' mess with my colonies," Arthur slurred before launching into a socio-political debate over the morality of kilts with himself.

"Wonderful," France murmured before bringing out his phone to text his reporters. Maybe next time he could get a picture of Sarah Palin...


End file.
